Unprofessional Development News


December 3, 2004.
One of our chemistry teachers made the news today, when he invented a match that burns using water as fuel. In order to test his new invention, he threw the match into the Pacific and burned away the Earth's oceans, so expect heavy rainfall this year. Very heavy rainfall.

November 25, 2004.
There's snow in the air today, and as a result our ventilation system has malfunctioned. The top floor of the school is out of bounds until the decontamination squad arrives.

November 23, 2004.
Nitroglycerin is NOT for use in milkshakes!

November 18, 2004.
It has recently come to light that much of our cafeteria food is, in fact, poisonous. As of now, any students that died as a direct result of food poisoning at our school are eligible to receive a discount on their next semester.

November 14, 2004.
Laptop thefts have been greatly escalating in recent months. Students are encouraged to attach explosives to their laptop that will detonate in the event that they are stolen.

November 7 2004.
A critic recently described our course as "the most disgusting waste of time I have ever witnessed". We would like to extend our sincerest thanks to this individual.

November 2, 2004.
The petition to renovate the school was shot down when it came to light that many of the people who signed it were, legally speaking, dead.

October 30, 2004.
The chemists sincerely wish that they hadn't bothered.

October 24, 2004.
"Bloatwurst" will be removed from the cafeteria menu until our chemists can determine what it is.

October 19, 2004.
Traffic flow reports from Tripod indicate that there are at least a few people who are accessing this site almost every day, and there are still about 60 views every month. To these bored souls, we extend an unprofessional salute!

October 15, 2004.
Okay, the auto-turret was a really bad idea. Free unprofessional health care will be extended to all students who got pegged by it.

October 6, 2004.
Due to the number of complaints and lawsuits filed against our school in the past few weeks, a large auto-turret has been fixed to the top of our main building to keep out unwanted visitors. Security assures us that it is at least 95% effective at discerning between students and intruders.

October 1, 2004.
In response to the vast number of animal rights activists who protested last week's chicken fight, our staff has imposed a new policy: the chickens must be dead before they can be used as throwing ammunition.

September 24, 2004.
After being sued by angry students who'd received heavy bruises during the chicken fight, our chief chef shrugged and replied, "Next time try thawing the chickens first".

September 15, 2004.
After being sued by angry consumers who'd lost all their data, our chief programmer shrugged and replied, "You're asking too much from a package called 'Unprofessional File Manager'".

September 13, 2004.
"Case Studies" have been added to the site, for those who insist on hearing practical examples of unprofessional behavior that never happened.

September 8, 2004.
Has anyone found the remote? I swear I've looked everywhere.

September 1, 2004.
The man in charge of our news department has finally been found, after a four month stretch of neglecting his reporting duties. In a cruel twist of fate, he was fired for "unprofessional behavior".

April 13, 2004.
Unprofessional Development has begun Semester II unprofessionally late! Now that the site has gone public to accommodate the increasing hordes of unprofessional trainees, new lessons are being prepared, starting with "Five Hats".

December 5, 2003.
If your mark is currently a positive number, you have passed the course! Congratulations! See you all next semester.

December 1, 2003.
Rumours of a sequel to "Unprofessional Development", "Very Unprofessional Development", are completely unfounded. Unless somebody ripped us off.

November 24, 2003.
Unprofessional Development has been viewed by over 350 people that are not even enrolled in the course! Excellent.

November 21, 2003.
Numerous students and lawyers have been demanding to know who wrote this course. The answer is obvious: somebody with a lot of spare time on his hands.

November 17, 2003.
Our mythology course has been overrun with elves and trolls. We are now in the process of retooling it into a history course.

November 12, 2003.
Our network technician has discovered that our "homemade" variety of virus checker actually erases your hard drive. We apologize for any inconvenience to anybody that was stupid enough to use it.

November 7, 2003.
If your lungs feel ticklish, report to the nurse's office at once.

November 3, 2003.
We have caught the criminals guilty of stealing our cameras and hiding the school. It was the security division.

October 31, 2003.
Well, it's the night after "Devil's Night", and the entire school seems to have disappeared. Report any leads to the security division.

October 24, 2003.
Our security cameras have been stolen. Report any suspicious activity to the security division.

October 21, 2003.
Whoever's stealing relish from the cafeteria had better stop... you know who you are!

October 16, 2003.
Everyone bring your charcoal bags to school today...we've having a charcoal briquette fight!

October 14, 2003.
Due to an unfortunate accident in the woodworking building, drinking alcohol on college premises is no longer permitted.

October 9, 2003.
The network is down today, so we will be having a class on how to play "Solitaire" and "Minesweeper".

October 1, 2003.
Students are advised to stop eating pancakes over their laptops.

September 29, 2003.
Students are reminded not to attend school on the weekends, as the college is closed on these days.

September 26, 2003.
One of our students exploded while walking home yesterday. On a completely unrelated note, the Board of Health has declared our cafeteria chili unfit for human consumption.

September 22, 2003.
Due to the unanticipated success of this program, there is no longer enough seating for all of our students. Students are now expected to bring their own chairs to school.

September 16, 2003.
One of our gym instructors lost her Doberman on school premises. If you encounter this animal in the hallway, do NOT make eye contact with it.

September 11, 2003.
Will the student responsible for leaving all the facets in the men's washroom running please report to the lower dungeon immediately.

September 4, 2003.
For those of you having trouble with your academics, help is available on the roof of the building. Access is restricted to staff only.

September 1, 2003.
Our class opened with perfect attendance, even though school was not technically open today. This is going to be some semester, all right!

August 5, 2003.
The "Unprofessional Development" course design has been completed on schedule. On the very first day, all of our class openings have already been booked! And we're not even online yet!